Something was different. I looked around the pile of unwashed clothes, burnt joints and the rest of the garbage that used to be my room. Nothing looked different but I knew something had changed. Something was missing inside me. But I was not feeling bad. I was not feeling good either. Then it dawned on me. That, was what had changed. I had stopped feeling.
This was a gift. Now I could look at things without starting a chain reaction of flashbacks. You get over bad memories over time, but it’s the happy memories that tears you apart, haunting you every time you look at something that reminds you of something you can no longer have.
I had quit on happiness. Anyone would, if they hurt so much that they start hating themselves. But now I didn’t feel pain. I felt nothing.
Numbness was warm, like a teardrop on the cheek. This felt better. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t want to exist anymore. That probably happens to everyone at some point. But I never stopped feeling so, and that scared me. Life was a bad trip that I can’t explain. No one would ever understand the hell I feel inside my head. But now all of it was gone. It was a blessing. Now I could rest, I could sleep.
I looked at the ceiling, but there wasn’t one. I could see blue colored fireflies flying in the backdrop of the star lit sky. I literally felt it on my head when the truth hit me. Everything started fading.
I woke up, desperately trying to go back to the dream. Any dream was better than the nightmare I was living. I woke up. Nothing had changed. There was no escape. Pain demanded to be felt.
This was a gift. Now I could look at things without starting a chain reaction of flashbacks. You get over bad memories over time, but it’s the happy memories that tears you apart, haunting you every time you look at something that reminds you of something you can no longer have.
I had quit on happiness. Anyone would, if they hurt so much that they start hating themselves. But now I didn’t feel pain. I felt nothing.
Numbness was warm, like a teardrop on the cheek. This felt better. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t want to exist anymore. That probably happens to everyone at some point. But I never stopped feeling so, and that scared me. Life was a bad trip that I can’t explain. No one would ever understand the hell I feel inside my head. But now all of it was gone. It was a blessing. Now I could rest, I could sleep.
I looked at the ceiling, but there wasn’t one. I could see blue colored fireflies flying in the backdrop of the star lit sky. I literally felt it on my head when the truth hit me. Everything started fading.
I woke up, desperately trying to go back to the dream. Any dream was better than the nightmare I was living. I woke up. Nothing had changed. There was no escape. Pain demanded to be felt.
