WAIT

I could hear the wind. My brain was still pondering over the very memories I was dying to forget. Sometimes it comes to a standstill. My mind would go blank. The wind and the voices in my head would stop whispering. Then I'd hear the silence. The silence that reminded me of how alone I really was. The whole world was sleeping and I just laid there, waiting for my tired body to give in. Waiting for some sleep.

Pain makes sense. It always had a reason. And it motivates us to try and change things. But insomnia is strange. I am tired and all I want is to sleep. My eyelids were so heavy but my thoughts still outweighed them. Sleep was beautiful. There would be no more pain, and there would be dreams, instead of thoughts. The worst of nightmares would be better than my current reality. It is how we could experience death while we breathed.

The worst part of not being able to sleep is that you can’t wake up. You are always walking that fine line between being awake and asleep. I have started to hate the person I see in the mirror every day. Broken, tired and lost. Fooling the world everyday with his faked smile, using instagram stories to hide his real one.

I waited for a blackout. I get one every two days for a couple of hours. That has now become my sleep. I waited my brain to take over the tired body and disturbed mind. I waited for my temporary death. And I waited for my resurrection.

What if the purpose of life was death?

I breathed in the cold wind. I was high, only literally. I stood above the old building, with only the stars that lit up the moonless sky above me. I could see buildings, traffic, and people beneath . The city never sleeps; I was not the only insomniac.
The terrace was full of pipes and debris. One wrong step and I’ll be at gravity’s mercy. Then, it hit me. What if it’s not the wrong step? What if it’s the right one? Maybe that’s what the universe wants for me. Maybe that’s why life gave me all this happiness to simply take it all away one day, gave me pain that I can’t take, gave me problems no one can solve. It might as well be all part of the plan.
Everyone is dying, some faster than the other. What if life is prompting us to what it means for all of us? What if the whole purpose of life is to stop living? Maybe something unknown and beautiful awaits us on the other side. Something above the fake morals and complications of life. Some place where we are above this chaos of social life. A place of freedom, beauty, simplicity, and peace.
Or maybe there’s nothing, which is not bad either. It would be great to stop feeling.  There would be no more pain. I would be free from duties, rules, expectations, and suffering. My memories wouldn’t haunt me anymore. My guilt won’t give me nightmares. My body will finally get the sleep its craving for. A long, quiet, and beautiful sleep.